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Fic: What About Now - Chapter 1

December 1st, 2010 (12:40 am)

Title: What About Now?
Pairing: Jared/Colin
Rating: R
Feedback: Need it!
Disclaimer: NOT TRUE, and hopefully most will never ever happen. I own nothing.

A/N: Story begins at the O2 Arena concert tonight. It is a few weeks old, but seeing as I am slightly superstitious I refused to begin posting it before the O2 Arena gig was finished. I have done everything in my power to make the timelines fit as well as possible, but I have taken my liberties as well, obviously. Enjoy.

Summary: Jared is fighting for his life. Colin is fighting with himself. And the press is fighting for a story.


The three musicians occupying the white-walled, windowless room were all silent.

Well, almost. It was the kind of tranquility, which disappeared into the thoughts occupying each individual, allowing them all to make miniscule noises and small sounds, as the quiet of the room swallowed breathing rhythms and the drumming of restless fingers on flat surfaces easily. All of them were lost in their own thoughts.  

The crew all knew better than to disturb the tight knit band during this crucial part of the preparation for a show. 30 Seconds To Mars by now had several hundred shows behind them and several hundred in front of them, if all went well. The experience was still thrilling, but it was not new. Neither were the pre-show rituals. The deep concentration, the meditative silence where they all, internally, ran through chords, beats, lyrics and set lists a final time before it was time to take the stage and make it theirs.

Shannon looked up from the spot on the wall on which his gaze had been lingering for the past five minutes, meeting Tomo’s warm brown eyes. They shared a look of quiet concern, one they had shared more or less daily these past few weeks. Eventually, Shannon dropped his gaze. Tomo easily understood the silent no, they had all been working together long enough for words to be superfluous in many ways. It was not his place to say anything to Jared before the older brother did and so far, there had really been nothing to say.

No words that would make a difference on Jared if spoken out loud.

These days Jared rarely laughed, rarely joined in the fun. The singer just did not seem to get lost in the experience the same way he used to. He was getting thinner as the weeks passed, his sick days were piling up and Shannon was painfully aware of it. He always made a tiny mark in his calendar when Jared had been ill. On most days it was just cold symptoms; coughing, sneezing – the usual. On others, it was nausea. The headaches seemed to be a constant, though. Not a day went by when Jared did not rub his temples or down a few Tylenols with breakfast. The hats and sunglasses to keep out the glare of the lights, protecting the ever building migraines, had become a constant as well.

Jared’s look and attitude seemed to switch these days between detachment from the world around him, to over-the-top crazy behavior he could not seem to rein in the way he used to, and then every once in a while, there were the sweatshirt days. Those were the ones that worried Shannon the most. The blue eyes would seem haunted and lost. He would be shivering from coldness even if it was hot outside, wearing several layers in vain, as he could never properly warm up. On those days, Jared would be soft spoken and disconnected from everyone. Except for one man, who was not even around. The drummer had dubbed those the Colin-days.

Shannon was not dumb; he knew that these past 18 months had been pure hell on Jared. Even though his little brother had never been closer to getting what he had dreamt of career wise, Jared had never been more miserable.

Luckily, today was one of the better days and the singer actually ate breakfast with the rest of them for once, he even managed to crack a smile at Shannon’s impression of Tomo’s horrible, tacky facial expressions for flirting with Vicki.

This show would be the biggest they had ever played and the whole day had been crazy. Interviews, meet-and-greets, soundchecks and appointments had taken up most of the available hours before the show and if he was not so used to the commotion, it would probably have driven him nuts.

O2 Arena. 16,000 people. This was going to be an unforgettable night.


”Let’s do this, guys.” Jared said, his voice confident and in control, as he got up from his place on the black leather couch that was taking up much of the backstage room. They all followed suit and started jumping around while waving their arms to get the circulation going. Their lead singer had entered show mode and the other members found themselves reacting instinctively at the tone. The words were just as much a habit as every other ritual and they succeeded in sending adrenaline through their veins in preparation for the next few hours of pure, mind blowing chaos. Their favorite part.

”Let’s give them a show they won’t ever fucking forget!” Shannon added and a wide grin broke out on Tomo’s face.

This was the best part of the job. The part that made them feel alive. The part, which made all the hard work that went into finishing the damn third record – the one that almost killed everything they believed in regarding their careers and their futures – worth it to them. This was war. This was it.

Jared led the way down the narrow, fluorescently lit hallway. Shannon shrugged on his lucky studded jean-vest and Tomo pulled out his favorite plectrum and zipped up his own simpler – but just as traditional – cotton vest. Jared had already put on his white jacket, as well as added the red leather gloves that now covered most of the slender fingers.

The noises from the crowd increased in volume with every step they took towards the stage. A few crew guys made their way past them carrying empty light equipment cases back to the bus, part of the usual hustle and bustle before a show, the energy in the air familiar and welcome. They all got a few pats on the back from the teamsters and roadies along with a few “Knock ‘em dead!” and, “Show ‘em who’s boss here, guys!”. Everything was ready, every ritual taken care of apparently.

Making their way onto the massive stage, they each took their usual places behind the black curtain, excitement shooting through their veins stronger than any drug either of them had ever known. The crowd was already screaming and Jared couldn’t help but antagonize them by making lewd gestures behind the thick cloth, all of which he knew were visible as silhouettes to the audience.

’Escape’ started to play and they all reveled in the feel of the music flowing through them.

This was their night and Jared could feel it. The time for new beginnings and better tomorrows was tonight, he just knew it.


So arrogant. And so fine. Any fool could see it, really.

The weight of the cold metal in his waistband felt comforting, felt right in a way nothing else ever had.

Mason was not a religious man; if he was this would be the perfect time to pray. But there was only time for one obsession in his life and unfortunately for God, the blue eyed devil currently possessing the stage won.

The band seemed more exciting and amazing every time he saw them. And he had seen them before, oh so many times now.

But tonight would be the last show for Jared fucking Leto - and for Mason as well.


The TV was blaring softly in the background, the flat screen casting vibrant, glowing shades on the wall of the artsy-decorated living room.

Colin grimaced and picked up another tasseled throw pillow and stuffed it behind his head.

Henry had been put to bed hours ago and Alicja had followed their son soon after. He debated with himself for a while on whether or not he should join her, but decided that he wasn’t nearly tired enough. He was trying to think of anything other than what seemed to torture and occupy his thoughts relentlessly today.

Jared was in Great Britain, in London, and therefore only hours away from Colin in Dublin.

It kept popping into his head every other second. Why was it completely impossible for him to entertain any thoughts on that man, without feeling breathless? And not the good kind of breathless. The angry, guilty, bitter one that left him confused. None of his feelings on Jared were clear any longer.

Had you asked him two years ago how he felt about the American, he would have sworn that Jared was the man he would grow old with, the man he would die next to.


Now, he just didn’t know. Everything about his life confused him at the moment. He was in love with Alicja. At least he was pretty sure he was. She was the mother of his child; she was gorgeous, intelligent, funny.

But she was no Jared.

And there he was, thinking about him again. Colin had a beautiful girlfriend lying upstairs, in their shared bed. A young son, who made him burst with pride every single day. Here he was, in his perfectly manicured living room, with a perfectly manicured wife asleep in their perfectly manicured bedroom.

He was living the dream. Really.

When he met Jared the first time in 2000 he was impressed. The handsome man was witty, talented and fun to hang out with on set. He was only in New York for the week and only shooting on Phone Booth for an afternoon, but they hit it off immediately and it did not take them long to end up on a pub sharing a few beers and a few laughs.

Their friendship was easy and relaxed. Very casual. If they knew the other was in town one might pop in for a drink, but never did it move beyond that.

Colin was secretly relieved when Jared got the part for Hephaistion. At least he knew he could work well with the other man and pull off believable chemistry.

He had never been attracted to another male before Jared. He never doubted for a second that he was as straight as they came. Having a brother who was out and proud forced him to delve into classifying his sexuality at a pretty early age. And because Eamon inadvertently exposed him to the gay community when he was still young, his heterosexuality became a very relaxed decision.

He was completely sure, having been around plenty of gay men and having kissed a few blokes when drunk, he was convinced that he was just not attracted to anything other than the opposite sex.

And Jared didn’t exactly change that, at least not in the beginning. They got along great. Never had he laughed more than he did with that man. He was so crazy and carefree and fun. So Jared. Whenever he was around the older man, he felt intoxicated with life. Without having taken anything for a change. The American’s mere presence brought flutters to his chest.

But it was that damn kiss, which did it.

Jared and him regularly messed around on set and took great pride in the exasperated looks thrown at them by Oliver Stone, the rest of the cast and half of the crew members. They had shared a few pecks on the mouth, but nothing that was intimate at all. Jared was a rebel by default and Colin took immense pride in his Irish bad boy attitude. Yet the only kind of lip action they had ever shared, was the kind you would give your mum when feeling affectionate as a kid.

But it was safe to say that they had fun, and they messed around way more than their characters actually called for.

But it was that damn kiss.

They had been out drinking. Just the two of them, for once. They had made their way up the stairs to Colin’s bedroom, which was closest at the moment, with the intention of having some more liquor and finish off their little party in style. Which, in their case, likely meant falling asleep on the floor or across the bed - passed out from the booze. They were laughing and stumbling through the corridor, making a mess and most likely waking up half the floor, when Colin tripped.

The Irishman caught himself on a velvet drape hanging from the window at the end of the hallway, pulling the curtain pole off the wall, as well as half the wallpaper in the process.

Jared was laughing so hard at the younger man’s stunned expression, standing in the middle of a hotel hallway with a half a curtain still attached to the metal rod in his hand, a mess of wallpaper now decorating the lushly carpeted floor. Colin had to stop him or he would wake up the other guests, alerting the staff and they would be caught. Meaning Colin would have no choice but to pay for the damages.

So he did the only reasonable thing he could think of.

He pushed the beautiful American up against the wall and kissed him hard on the mouth.

It is tough to say who was more shocked. But Jared recovered first and he pulled Colin closer, engaging the Irishman in the hottest kiss he had ever experienced. Hot, wet and filled with expert tongue and plenty of passion. His stomach still tingled at the mere thought of it. After only a minute Jared pulled away, smiling gently. Colin felt like he could have kissed him for the rest of his life with no problems at all, being perfectly content.

”Goodnight, Colin.” And just like that, Jared untangled himself from the Irishman’s arms and made his way back to his own room, steps still slightly unsure form the alcohol, leaving Colin against the wall next to his hotel room door, confused and breathless.

But in the good way.

After that kiss, Colin threw away the I’m a heterosexual card from his mind and decided that being attracted to only one gender was really denying himself and missing out on a lot of potential fun.


He loved being on stage. Quite a few people had claimed on several occasions, that he was acting while performing his music. They had no idea how wrong they were. There was nothing more real, more enveloping than standing in front of a crowd that was willing to listen, belting his heart out. Sharing every emotion he had ever felt, his heartaches and successes, his life.

The audience was on fire tonight, and he could not help but get caught up in the moment with them. There were nights on stage, where they would feel like they never really managed to establish a connection with the people there to see them. No matter how many hits, there would always be a few misses. Luckily it rarely happened, but tonight was definitely not one of the misses.

In fact, he was not sure if they had ever been better. And to be honest, he was pretty convinced that the fact that he was in the moment as well made a difference. There had been nights where his bad mood had made it hard to really reach out to people honestly. But not tonight, tonight he was theirs and they were all his.


He is beautiful when he is like that. So beautiful.

But it was time. And really, Jared had brought this on himself. He had tried to tell him several times, the first time back in February when he brought him the box. He tried to make him understand that he needed to change. That he needed to listen to Mason or he would have no choice but to hurt him.

He even tried again later, the many letter and the gifts, they were all him trying, he was giving Jared a chance to listen to him before it was too late.

But the man never did.

The cold metal had warmed up; being against his skin all night, yet the weight was still the same.

Jared was stirring up the crowd getting them ready for The-motherfucking-Fantasy as he always called it. Which meant it was time. Mason had been sure that he would feel adrenaline rushing through him, would feel anything regarding what was about to happen. But to his surprise, he felt kind of dead.

The opening chords were playing.

With the lights out it‘s a little less dangerous
Even with a stranger never gets painless
Don't be afraid

Don’t be afraid, my dear, this will all be over soon and then we will all feel so much better.

He pulled out the small handgun but kept it close to his side. No one was looking at him. All eyes were on the blue eyed devil, dancing with his guitar.

He took a stance pointing at his Jared, glad that he had been able to get close enough to the stage, today of all days. Yet, aiming was still tricky. Though luckily for him, not impossible. People around him were rapidly starting to notice what he was carrying in his hand, but oh, how late they were. The synchrony made him feel lightheaded.

Do you live? Do you die? Do you bleed?

The cracks of the gun firing round after round, propelled the crowd into a panicked frenzy. He saw his favorite blue-eyed devil fall. His ruined little angel.

This feels so good.




(Deleted comment)
Posted by: jaredbuddy68 (jaredbuddy68)
Posted at: November 16th, 2016 01:07 pm (UTC)
I have always worried about this happening
No Risk

Especially now that they have all those cray cray's up there on stage, not just Jared but Tomo too. And then when he goes in the crowd! I have been in the crowd where he has been hurt. In Vegas at the start of the TIW tour the security was not going to go into the crowd to get him and he was going down! It was so scary, like a person drowning. Finally after a group of us are yelling at this big black security guard to go get him and he saw that he was really in trouble he went and got him. Jared was hugging him to get out. And then in Belgium when he was practically raped and he had all those scratches all over him and his favorite shirt got ripped off him. Its in the video "Do Or Die" if you look closely he puts a caption on it.

well enough already, Thanks again for helping me find your fanfic

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